THE PUNTER 3rd March 2002
from the 2nd edition (we did it!)
All the weeks Gossip from La Tania & Meribel Village
Although the new arrival is not due for a few weeks yet, our astrologer predicts that this is the week. Using her in depth knowledge of the region, signs have been spotted which lead to one conclusion - the birth is imminent. Mystic Mig was quoted as saying "winter geese are flying westwards over Meribel Village" this was backed up by the sediment reading of her demi- peche -all signs point towards the end of this week !If you think you know better than Mystic Mig, then take part in our :
IMMACULATE CONCEPTION SWEEPSTAKES
Simply take a piece of paper, write the date & time that you think the heir to the Wall empire will be born, wrap this round a 1€ coin and post in The Punter tub on the bar.
Remember Debs isn't due for a little while yet so choose your time and date carefully. Half the money raised will go to buy a pressie for the new arrival and the other half will go to the winner as a voucher to spend at SKI HIGHER. Don't forget put you name, company & position on the sweepstakes (and your juiciest gossip!)
Nobody believed it was possible, but here at The Punter we stick by our promises- we will continue to print and be damned despite the veiled threats received by our staff over the past week.
Are we too close to the truth?
In our opinion - NEVER !As long as you keep the gossip coming in we'll keep this publication alive. Thanks must go to our contributors who have been using our e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org to send us Red Hot News ,but don't worry we will protect our sources as if our very lives depended on it. For those of you without e-mail access you can deliver your news straight to the 'Tub of Delights' on the bar. DON'T BE SHY-USE US OR LOSE US !
The punters foto dept kicks in - Full colour inside (what were you all up to?) Meteo, letters, restaurant review, Gossip from the Bar Fly, Drink of the Week, All the sports round up and the footie results (we'll try to get them right this week)
Letters to the Editor
I was both excited and outraged to see my name in the 1st edition of The Punter. All work related rumours regarding myself and Steve are totally unfounded,I was merely trying to get him drunk and drag him back to my place. This is a gay resort after all isn't it?(ask James and Nic).
The Editor apologises for spreading vicious rumours, however I wish you and Steve all the happiness in the world.
If I have porridge for breakfast will I be hungry at lunchtime?
Oh for F**ks sake !
La Tania Meteo
Next three 3 days forecast is for moderate snow (16cm), temperatures will be just below freezing for this period. There should be snow flurries all week with some real cloudy days,put the suntan lotion away Jules Enjoy!
This Tuesday the Editor and two of his mistresses dined out at the Marmottons.
The owner was very accommodation-inviting us all back to his place for a late night Jacuzzi ,sauna and rub down. Pints of champagne were drunk followed by Abstente shooters and as the night wore on the talk turned inevitably to sheep, Alsatians, Vaseline and barbed wire. Before I realised what was happening the owner whipped out his digital camera and led us into his stable/torture chamber.
I have little recollection of what happened after that , but I woke up half way down Folyers, wearing the back end of a pantomime horse and a huge grin with a card in my pocket that read "regarde www.redhotanimallovers.fr !"
Next week : will the Ed make it to a restaurant out of La Tania ?
Stu (ex NBV) has arrived with a couple of mates in tow.They have been seen stumbling around resort with glazed eyes and vacant expressions - is it the altitude?
F**k the factory Stu - stay out here!
John has turned up in resort to work for Snowline as a chalet boy,best of luck son you're gonna need it !
Fleets missus 'Marge' is back in town.
Eyes down for a full house of gossip
the Barfly !!
Aussies were seen scurrying out of the back door this week as the undercover Gendarmes raided the Ski Lodge, apparently there's a nationwide hunt on sending all convicts back where they belong! Ski Deeps Gazza fractured his arm following another night of sexual frustration. After his sixth knock-back he vented his fury on his 'Classic' C reg BMW ! Hope the cast attracts the chicks Gazz! Phil Spence was spotted modelling his new skis in a very risqué pose this week. He claimed the shots were taken outside thus shrinking the size of his enormous manhood,to prevent his girth from appearing round his edges. Very decent of you Phil,keep that tackle covered. Tracy will be celebrating her birthday today out on the piss following the departure of her wife Rachel who's gone back to the UK.
Yurrie the Jurie
By Day a fine upstanding member of Chabi Vacance ,by night baroom lawyer, judge and Yurrie !!
This week: The case of the disappearing Ski Lodge toilet roll
Prosecution claims "Traps 1-3 never have any loo roll in them"
Defence retorts "Tim can only afford 1 roll per trap/per week"
Yurries verdict "If there's no bog roll then use the red napkins 3 at a time..I'm sure T Wall won't mind !"
All the news from LDV
My word what an incestuous lot they are over in Meribel Village, stories abound of bed hopping ,sex in chalet company vans and a pissed up Bagpuss !? Congratulations to Jaff for the 16 yr old her dads not too happy though!. Lee certainly had his 'Oats' this week with a great ride down in the paddock !? Shibboleth Rocked LDV twice on Thursday, shame we can't remember much about it !!
Big news this week (and I've
heard it from a couple of sources)
David Beckham is rumoured to be growing a MULLET,this is in a direct response to T Walls new haircut (yes it has been cut). Could be the shape of things to come..what next Michael Owen with a Lionel Blair hairpiece? Beckham also told The Punter today "I'm ready to sign a new contact with Man U before the World Cup"
Lost & Found
Lost: Mr Bibs (Icicles cat) has been missing for over a week now,that's a few too many nights on the tiles for this pussy. Contact the Silver Fox or contact anyone in the bar
Found: Half drunk Tequila & Orange in the loos on Tues night,ask at the bar if you want it back (pete)
Late Breaking News
Dave (Snowhassle) wins the wooden spoon for his rendition of Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual healing last night'. Everyone seemed to be getting there kit off both inside & outside,just who was that naked bloke messing around at the Sausage shop? Sandy made his debut on the 'pants only' oiled table surfing on Sat night (table 1),thank God his mates have gone home today!
Duncan managed to get his end away after a plea from within these pages, thankfully Roanne did the business and you can't wipe the smile off his face! More rudeness FFS seem to be very friendly with a punter called Steve with a couple of the staff having a bit of rough & tumble with him this week(Kelly ,Tracy you bad girls!). Yurrie & Howie are still looking for the Swedish nude volleyball team from www.fishsafaris.com ..will their search ever end?
A new foreign correspondent has joined The Punter team, more dirt from the UK coming soon !
The Punter is now available online at www.latania.co.uk
Next Weeks Live Sport
Sun on now ! Derby v Man Utd (go on T Wall)
Mon 8:30pm Dag & Red V Boston U (Be Early)
Tue 9pm Blackburn V Aston Villa
Wed 9pm Liverpool V Newcastle
Sat 4pm onwards footie results on SKY
All Live at PUB LE SKI LODGE & LdV
Ldv 5:30 pm Mon Bagpuss Live
Ldv 5:30 PM Thu Shibboleth Live !!!
The Views represented in this publication are only those expressed by ourselves, some may be true others almost completely made up, but somewhere there will be a grain of truth don't forget ,there's no smoke without fire !! ..the walls have ears ! The Punter is always watching! Remember folks this is just a taste of what's to come- get your news, views, requests & ideas into us at email@example.com and see it in print every weekend!